I'm not entirely sure what's going on with me at the moment, but I have realised that I'm using the term "at the moment" too much at the moment. See. We went on a trip today, to M Shed, a museum in Bristol, and I was alone with my tutor for a bit and she asked how I was doing. I gave the whole "I'm fine, fine, just busy and I've been a bit ill" but she noticed there was something more and asked me again. I tried explaining and couldn't. Because I can't explain. But I was in a state wandering around the museum, quite detatched and on the verge of tears. The coffee afterwards with my course-mates helped a little, but I came back to the flat and got straight into bed. I've started a "no chocolate" thing (because I've been comfort eating way too many brownie pieces lately) but I really, really want chocolate now.
I'm either sleeping or not. Which is a stupid generalisation but that's how it seems to be. I slept for about 10 hours the other day, got up and ate something then went back to bed for another 7. Then I'll sleep 8 hours, then be insomniac-y the next night, then the night after, then sleep for a day, then insomnia, then ok, then insomnia. And it's insomnia in the proper sense. Last year insomnia was waking up every few hours and taking a while to get back to sleep. This year it's lying there, shattered, eyelids closing and wanting to stay closed but brain on fast fast fast fast fast. So I'll get up and watch cooking programmes then feel proper tired round 3/4ish but then develop this irrational fear about going to sleep because I know I'll have trouble waking up in 3/4 hours when my alarm goes off.
Talking of irrational fears - since when has the thought of leaving my flat scared me?? Like actually scared me. Not just slight anxiety. It's like the next stage of anxiety. And it blinking scares the beep out of me.
Mum's naturally really worried. She said she'd come down but I have this essay to do, which is due in on Thursday but I'm not progressing with.
This time it's not uni, or the course. Last year it was Birmingham and medicine. This year it's all internal, which makes me very happy because I am in love with Bristol. Want to do my foundation years here in love. And the course is amazing. But yesterday I missed a class because I couldn't bear the thought of leaving the flat. So I slept instead.
I have a doctor's appoitment on Monday. I'm hoping it's just the pill withdrawal, or just a phase. I just need to ride it through.