Friday, 12 April 2013

In the inbetween...

Create a world. Get lost in it.

Today I half-dreamt a world where nothing was quite real. No, I lucid dreamed. The best lucid dream I’ve done in a long time. And in this dream, where I couldn't think of a back-story I made it that the parts unknown to me were unknown to the dreamees as well. I manipulated a world which resulted in a character who thinks she knows what’s happening – there is a situation which she’s in and she’s dealing with it – but when she stops and actually thinks about it, she realises that there are gaps where there should be memories. She knows why she is here but not how she got there. There is a view from the window which isn't quite real. And now no one can quite remember how she got there either.

I want to go back there. I want to stay there.

Afterwards I came out of the dream state, ie I woke up and opened my eyes, and was confronted by this world again. Nothing felt real. But then, nothing has felt real for a good few days. Time has been jumping so what feels like a few minutes is actually an hour when you look at the clock. I keep expecting to wake up. I’m pretty sure I’m hallucinating. Real life has begun to feel like a dream.  I’m not sure if this can be classed as a funny turn, or maybe I’m just stressed but I’ve had bad stress before and it’s never been like this. Or maybe it did but I *just* can’t remember. The past has begun to feel like a dream, where you turn towards a memory and it’s gone.

But I’ve never felt like this before. Like I'm in the inbetween. Occasionally, yes. When you come out of a movie or a play or a book and it lingers with you. That’s what it feels like, except it’s my life which is lingering. I can hear it discussing the play before it heads back to the car to drive home. But there is no story to go back to and so I'm left in the inbetween.

It simultaneously terrifies me and excites me. I want to stay there. Here. I want this to be a dream because then today and yesterday will slip to the edges of my mind when I wake up tomorrow. Memories I’ve gathered over the past few weeks will slowly disappear, hide when I try to confront them and leave me with déjà vu five, ten, fifty years from now.

And that’s why it’s terrifying  It’s terrifying because this isn’t a dream. This is real life. But more and more it feels like everything is slipping away and I’m left floating in the inbetween 

Anyways. As this is real life I'm off to bed. Need to be up at 6 so I can spend the day in the medschool revising for Monday's exam. The real world, as dreamlike as it feels, needs to be lived otherwise I'm going to fail out of medical school.  



Wednesday, 10 April 2013

All-nighter interlude in which I really need coffee and should stop typing and go to sleep like a smart person...

Wow my blog's gotten pretty depressing recently, what with all the posts about depression. Hmm...I did think about starting a separate blog just for depression stuff but I never got round to setting it up. Not sure I will either. Unfortunately it's a part of me.

What is with Blogger not recognising blog as a correctly spelt word?? Or Blogger for that matter. Shouldn't it be inherent in it's programming or something??

Anyway. Hello :D Yes it's 3 in the morning. I'm doing an all-nighter. Or trying to. Exam on Friday. OSCE. Given that I've been so ill this year I've missed an awful lot and we've had barely any study leave so basically it's been like fitting a whole year's work into 2 weeks which was actually 1 week because I've been ill again. Did that make sense? I'm horrifically sleep deprived, possibly. 

Hello :) 

I've said that already, haven't I?

There's a strain in Demi Lovato's new song "Heart Attack" which sounds exactly like Greenday's "Boulevard of Broken Dreams". Just thought I'd put that out there. 

Why am I writing this?

Anyway, off to get some cofffeee. 

Love you all. 

Lexie :D