My exams are over. I went down to Birmingham last month for two weeks, in the hope that I would get more work done there than here at home. And I did, to a point. Despite the exams looming over me there were some days when I couldn’t even bring myself to get out of bed. It was like the autumn term of 2nd year all over again.
I’ve been thinking about what I’m going to do if I fail. Let’s face it, the exams weren’t spectacular. Certainly not how they should have been after an extra two months revision. And I need to learn to stop kidding myself that everything will be alright. That’s when you get disappointed.
People have told me that I just need to stop worrying and wait. They say that I have nothing to worry about because I did everything I could do. But that isn’t true. “Everything” would have been 8 hours a day, 7 days a week. That’s not excessive. I’ve done it before. And so I should have been able to do it again. I didn’t. Like I said, some days I didn’t do anything. And yes, mostly that was because I couldn’t face the prospect of the world and it seemed like there was no point, but that doesn’t make it any better.
Everyone keeps saying “You’ll be fine.” I don’t believe them anymore.
Shit’s happened before. I’ve been having episodes since at least year 10. I used to write “Help me” on my books all through high school and I can kid myself all I want but that must have come from somewhere. And despite the constant arguments of my parents, or the divorce coming through, or finding out my Dad had married without telling me or the dark thoughts that would occupy my mind, I’ve always got top grades. Top boxes on my report. 10 A*s. 4 As. My academic performance has never suffered.
And no one ever thought it would. And they didn’t expect it this time. I would come out of an exam and say that it was hard, and mean it, and people thought I was being modest. And when the results came through I don’t think people were that surprised that I achieved what I did. Happy for me, yes. Surprised, not so much. They would always say “you’ll be fine” and I was. And even though I never stopped worrying about exams I think I started to believe them. And so this year, when everything went sub-zero there was a part of me that thought I would make it through.
And so now, when everyone says “You’ll be fine” I can’t bring myself to believe them. I’m literally surrounded my books I’ve bought for Bristol but can’t really bring myself to read them in case I don’t get in. I won’t let myself get excited about next year. I won’t even order a new NUS card.
The results should be through on the 15th but because of a Student Finance situation I might get them earlier.
I am trying to forget about it. To have faith. I know I can’t change it so I shouldn’t worry. I try and do things I enjoy, go places with my friends, have fun. But there’s still a little gremlin whose had a midnight snack sitting in my mind, waiting, to say “I told you so.”Toodles