Wednesday, 6 March 2013

"You're not crazy Lexie, you're a Grey"...

When Grey's Anatomy came out in 2005 there were billboards advertising it everywhere. I was in Year 10 at this point and loved everything medical. It was already my dream to go to medical school and so my mum recommended I watch it. She later withdrew this statement when she realised that it was mainly about sex and relationships and less about the actual medicine but I told her I was learning stuff from it and she relented, albeit begrudgingly. I still watch it. It's one of my favourite shows.

Meredith used to say this thing. She used to say, "I'm all dark and twisty inside."

My Dad used to say that the only reason I acted the way that I did, ie sad for no reason for weeks on end, was because I wanted to be more like Meredith.

I don't really want to go into all that now, the Dad-me relationship, the possibility of having depression for years but everyone said it was either teenage angst or I "just wanted to be more like Meredith". But it's all there. To summarise: I loved the show, and I thought Meredith and everyone else was great but I did not "act the way I did" because I wanted to be like her. A few years into me feeling like that I began to say "I'm dark and twisty" but it was as a joke, in a reference to Meredith Grey and not because that's what I was aiming for all along.

There's one character, Lexie, who is Meredith's sister. I'm not entirely certain if my love of the name or love of the character came first. When she (spoiler alert!) died at the end of last season I was heartbroken because I felt connected to her, the same way I cried when Dumbledore died. You form bonds with people you don't know, either fictional or real but just not real to you, and you feel their pain. There's a blog post in that as well that I thought I'd already posted but I can't seem to find it.

Anyway, I was listening to music from my "Like" playlist on YouTube and this scene came on:

When Meredith said, "You're not crazy Lexie, you're a Grey" I almost cried. It felt like she was speaking to me. Recently I have felt crazy. I have wondered if I need more help, if this is more than depression, if there is something else, something maybe more sinister going on. And her saying that brought back what my Dad used to say.

Yes, I am dark and twisty. But maybe that's not because I'm crazy, but because I'm me. Or not. Maybe I'm a Grey. Who knows? It is the nature of the future that we don't know what's around the corner but...well, that's life.

And that's it. I wanted to share that with you. That is all.


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