Hello.
So, what's new in Bellafonte land? Much of the same really. Work is busy, long and hard. Certainly not made easier by the fact I'm missing loads because my moods are all over the place, for various reasons.
What reasons, Lexie?
Coming off old meds, starting older meds, then starting new meds in conjunction with the old meds. And iron tablets, which hate me. And...
Well...
*Sighs* It's weird. Things happen and I deal. That's the Lexie-way. The Sarah-way. I've always dealt with the things that life throws at me because, hey, it's life, and it's shit and it ain't going to get easier. And that's still happening. I deal. But even if I'm consciously all 'OK, that happened, let's get on', subconsciously, biochemically, I'm a freaking mess. I'm anxious and sad and running out of teaching because I can't take it any more. Anyways, running out of teaching did lead to a very nice text from a boy in my group, and then that same boy being very nice to me when I finally decided to show my face in the hospital again, so it wasn't all doom and gloom, although it was every shade of embarrassing there is. What colour is embarrassing? Like a sick-green probably, or a dark brown. I added layers of embarrassed when I half skidded out the door because my shoes lost their grip. It was quite comical, and I'm currently all for humour as a coping mechanism.
I digress.
...
Ok, fine. But be warned, this is a rant.
It upsets me that people now only know me as me, and not old-me. Take the boy I just mentioned. I had a bit of a crush on him in pre-clinical years. We both intercalated. When I started this term I wasn't looking forward to him being in my group because, crush aside, he comes across as a bit of a prick. But he isn't. He's just hiding behind a veil of prickness. Anyway, he didn't know me before, but he knows me now. And now-me is screwed up BIG TIME. And old me was a lot like him - driven, smart. And he doesn't know smart-me. He knows misses-50%-of-teaching-me.
But even though old-me was all those things new-me is so much more, because of what happened. I'm getting deja vu...I apologise if I've talked about this before.
Nevermind.
I suppose what all this is getting at is...I need to find a way to a) get back to old me, with all the aspects of new-me which aren't crazy but without being normal because normal is over-rated and b) find a way to make my subconscious play ball.
Also, I probably have hypothyroidism, so my body is falling to pieces in the same way that my mind is.
As you can tell, it's been a rough few weeks.
*takes a deep breath*
But, c'est la vie, right? And life isn't a bed of roses. And all that smiles isn't happy, or something.
I just need to deal.
You never know, maybe my next post won't be full of angst :p
Toodles,
Lexie x
"He's just hiding behind a veil of prickness." Favourite quote of the week.
ReplyDeleteI can really relate to this whole you wanting the guy to know the 'old' you rather than the current version, it's like you're afraid he's not really SEEING you, or the parts you want him most to see. And I understand that desire to delineate past you from current you, because maybe it makes it seem as though you're separated from a lot of bad stuff? OR, if I've totally misread the post, it's not really a desire to have two versions of yourself but because you're so aware of the differences that's how it is in your head? Either way, compartmentalizing like that, I think it can complicate things, because it kind of forces you to constantly analyse and tweak your behaviour to fit with how you want to be...but why not just like, be? I know right, easier said than done, metaphysical can of worms.
It's just that, I really really really hope you don't allow this guy to get all symbolically tangled up in your other stuff, because it's so tempting and so easily done, but I've been there, and man does it hurt like a bitch.
Also, LIFE IS NOT SHIT. Okay, a noticeable percentage of it is, but lots of it is really wonderful, and you should focus on that :).
Didn't mean to write a comment as long as the post! Or one that borders on preachy, but I saw myself two years ago in this, so I had to say something.
Here if you need to talk :). Be well x
Hi stranger :DD How are you?? Long time so speak...type...talk :D
DeleteNot preachy at all :D And to be honest I'm not sure what I think, or what I was getting at. But you're right, just being is the way forward.
And it is shit. Sometimes :p But I was very low when I wrote this. I'm currently floating on a cloud of happy dust so, at the moment, life is ok-ish :D
Hope you're ok too. And I know I haven't been around much on here recently but if you ever want to talk drop me an email :D xxx