Cry...

I keep saying on Twitter that the season finales of all my favourite American TV shows are trying to kill me with their emotional roller-coasters and emotion-bombs. And that’s true. But so far I haven’t cried. And come to think of it, I haven’t cried in a while. A few tears, yes. At shows and real life stuff. And I’ve had the shaky/rocking hyperventilating thing you get when you cry. But I haven’t had proper tears in a long, long time.

When people tell me I’m going to cry at a movie or TV show, the chances are that I won’t. Because I spend the entire movie/episode thinking ‘Is this where I’m meant to cry? Is this where I’m meant to cry?’ The Notebook is a perfect case-in point. I only watched it two years ago, in my first year of uni, after everyone I’d met was shocked that I hadn’t seen it and told me earnestly that I would cry all the way through it, especially at the end, because it was such a tear-jerker. But I didn’t. Because for the entire movie I was wondering if this was the scene that would turn on the waterworks. And, frankly, cause it’s not that emotional a movie, or that good a movie. But recently it hasn’t been *that*, whatever that is, that has stopped me from crying.

I get emotionally attached to a lot of things. Books, movies, characters from TV. Mugs, USB sticks. And I promise an in-death blog post about that after my exams (I’m avoiding watching Grey’s anatomy until then!) And I do get very emotional about things. And it hurts, right here *points to heart* My stomach does this things where it spasms and seizes up, and it feels like there’s a black hole inside me sucking everything away. And I’ve felt like that about so many things recently. TV shows – Glee, Vampire Diaries – and situations in my life – dissertation panic, not being able to help my brother, life. A year ago I would be in the foetal position soaking the pillow. But this year, or at least in the last few months...nothing. It feels like the tears are there, building up inside of me. But there’s something stopping them from coming out.

So much has worked out this year, with my depression and me personally. I’m writing again, which is something I stopped doing when I got really ill, although I haven’t tried to make any progress with anything fiction yet, just sticking to poetry. And I’m reading again, although not as much as I used to. The crying is something which has seemed to go the other way.

I know it’s stupid, getting worked up and blogging about not being able to cry. But for a girl who cries regularly, or at least used to cry regularly, this build up of emotion and tears inside of me is starting to freak me out. And it’s not like last time, when the damn was up for a reason, and I was making the effort to hold everything in. Maybe this time I’m trying too hard to let everything out.

So for now I will try and be content with the black hole of emotion inside of me when I get sad at the TV or at real life. I wonder what it will take to crack the damn this time? And I just hope it doesn’t have the same effect as last time.

Toodles

Lexie

Now Playing ~ Big Girls Don't Cry ~ Glee Cast Version