It turns out that I felt the way I did about a month ago because I reduced the dosage of fluoxetine too fast. Which is interesting. Because there was no external trigger. I wasn't feeling lonely. I wasn't hating the course, or the city, or the uni like I did last year. There are no battles being fought on the family front, no evil housemates, no horrid course mates. Nothing. Which shows that it is all in my head. Not in the "I'm making things up" way or the "stop acting crazy" way or the hallucinating way. But in the science way. It's all to do with the neurotransmitters. Or the synapses. Or something. Somewhere there is a deficit. Which makes me feel a little happier, cause it shows that I wasn't making it up. It wasn't teenage angst. It's not my fault. Well, not totally :p
I'm not sleeping much better. When I do sleep I sleep for hours and can't get up but it still takes me a while to fall off, although the time between head hitting the pillow and dreams is getting less. Last night I woke up every few hours, which I used to do every night but which hasn't happened for months. In the overall scheme of things it may not be that great but it is a small improvement on earlier in the term. I do however feel like I'm hibernating. And I feel awful at night, round about this time. Everything goes back to being pointless. But it passes (generally).
Baby steps Lexie, baby steps.
You are right. There's a huge difference between neurotransmitters, re-uptakes, chemistry and all that, and who you truly are. It doesn't define you. I am glad you are feeling better, small steps make wonders... :)
ReplyDeleteMan, don't you love science sometimes? I'm so glad for you Lexie :). Bristol seems like it was exactly the right move for you, and if you still have to take your medication, who cares? Millions of people take medication for all sorts of things - doesn't make them any weaker and it is DEFINITELY not their fault. SO YAYYYY :D!!
ReplyDeleteAlso, totally know what you mean about nighttime being completely soul-destroying. This is where a man would come in handy.
Like you said, baby steps :). Alllllll the way.
@Audrey Thanks hun :)
ReplyDelete@Rosie Thanks Rosie :) It was exactly what I needed and you're right, meds don't make you weaker.
Lol a man, or a friend, or an armchair so I could sit somewhere other than in my bed :P
Let it pass, let it pass...
ReplyDeleteYou will make it through =)
Just picture yourself on a small boat making it to the shore amidst the dark, thick fog. Or you know, victory in a violent computer game =D
Well im awake at this hour so you are not alone! Take each day as it comes, dont dwell. sweet dreams!
ReplyDeleteThank you Emad and Aunty Em :)
ReplyDelete