Sunday, 28 October 2012

It scares me so much...

#nowplaying Breathe 2am ~ Anna Nalick

I'm laying myself bare here. Because I think about this a lot. And I was hoping that writing it down might help.That's what this blog was meant for, wasn't it? I didn't need to press "Publish" but I have. Don't ask me why. Here is me...

It’s hard being a Muslim and being me. Which is silly, because I am a Muslim and I am me. But even though they’re the same thing they feel so, so separate. 

I…I’m meant to have an arranged marriage. My mum wants me to have an arranged marriage. Not a ‘here’s some guy, marry him or else’ marriage. More of an ‘I’ve heard of this really nice young man, let’s go meet him and if you like him you can marry him’.

But that scares me. It scares me so much. I know I’ll get to know him but the thought of giving myself over wholly and completely over to someone who, let’s face it, I’ll not properly know, frightens me. Giving myself over and committing myself to a lifetime with this person. Giving my…my very essence to someone I don’t even know.

And some of them work. Some arranged marriages are great. And some of them, like my parents, are more than train wrecks.

I don’t even want to get married because I’m scared it’ll end. Part of me believes in happily ever after but part of me believes the only reality is that it never lasts, because love never lasts.

So I told my mum that I would never have an arranged marriage. I told her that I would find my own man, and she’s ok with that, as long as he converts to Islam.

No one is going to convert to Islam for me.

A boy I know actually said that no man would do that. Not the “for me” bit but the “convert” bit. The rest was implied even if he didn’t mean it.

No one has ever even shown an interest in me. No one has ever even asked me out on a date.

And if they did they wouldn’t want all my crazy.

I just want someone to make me feel safe. To love me.

The future shouldn’t be scary. It shouldn’t hurt. How can something that hasn’t happened cause pain? But it does. It hurts so much. 


  1. Duuuude, let's just step back and calibrate!

    1. Your self worth is not determined by the number of people who have shown an interest. Everyone has self-esteem-wreckage days, just
    accept its the gremlins talking. Trust me.

    2. There is a middle ground between arranged marriage and marrying someone who isn't muslim, you know. And how do you know someone wouldn't convert for you?! Yeesh.

    3. Never allowing yourself to be vulnerable and open to being hurt is no kind of life. It's about welcoming that when the time is right. Which you will know at the time.

    4. Not all marriages are a car crash, you acknowledge this yourself, so why doom yourself to one? There's a lot of crazy going around, people live with it, it's fiiiine :)

    So enough of this self-worth car crash, woman!

  2. I think you made the right decision. I think love will find you. It just takes time, sometimes. And I am CERTIFIABLY NUTS and someone loves me!

  3. I would like to echo Humaira's comment about 50 times, since she said it better than I could, and with a list no less!

    And, hey, remember, you don't ever have to do anything you don't want to do. Like, EVER. Unless it involves sacrificing yourself to save mankind. Then you're pretty much screwed either way. But until that day comes, which hopefully it won't, you have OPTIONS. Don't be scared to acknowledge that.


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  5. in a weird way its comforting seeing that Im not alone.
    im in the same boat as you. My mum has started searching according to her it takes several years to find 'the one'.
    shes asked if i like anyone, for me thats not really an option as i've never even seen one guy take an interest in me so arranged it is! i dont mind i suppose i'll get to know him and all that. tbh even if i was to 'date' someone you never really know a person until you live together and share a life.
    most of my cousins have started thinking about this and their parents actively searching. but im shit scared too. I've lived with and seen enough to scar me.For me happy marriages filled with love is something i only see in movies or can dream of. that's all they seem to me, dreams.
    But we wont know until we reach there. we shouldn't let our fears let us miss out on something that could be amazing. I've decided to have faith in God and leave the rest to him.
    Lots of love xxx


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