Earlier I tweeted this:
When I first starting blogging about four years ago I was completely anonymous. In comments people used to call me Despondent Medic (based on my first blog) or It’s Complicated (the title of this blog). At the very most I put “A” in the name box on the Blogger profile. But then one of my readers (I think it was Rosie) said that I needed a real name, an on-line persona, something concrete they could address me by. And so, Lexie Bellafonte was born. “Lexie” is one of my all-time favourite girl’s names, although I’m not sure if the Grey’s character or my love of the name came first; “Bellafonte” was the surname of the protagonist in the book I was reading at the time (The Passage by Justin Cronin, in case you were wondering).
Before Lexie I never felt like I was a completely different person on-line. I was still me, I just talked about personal stuff that I couldn’t vent about in real life. That’s why I blogged – I needed a place where I could document and talk about things that were happening that I couldn’t really talk about with my family or friends; I was anonymous so I wouldn’t offend anyone. And that’s not to say that now Lexie-me and Real-me are completely separate people. That would be crazy. But I do feel like there are a few differences between Real-me and Lexie-me.
Lexie-me is more outspoken that Real-me, although like Real-me she doesn’t like offending people with her opinions :p Lexie uses the word “hun” a lot; she lols and is capable of sarcasm. She doesn’t trip over words (obviously ‘cause, you know, typing).
And I don’t think that we are separate people. However I do feel that I’m more like Lexie now, as opposed to Me, whilst still being me (if that makes sense). What I think the issue (if you can really call it an issue) is, is that I’m not the person I was four years ago. And that’s not just because I’ve grown and, hopefully, matured; it’s because I’ve changed since the depression and it’s been change for the better.
This post sounded so much more intellectual in my head.
Over the past year or so the line between Lexie-me and Me-me has blurred. I almost started blogging under my real name (see this and this). When that fell through I made sure to put my real name at the bottom of the poems I posted to my blog and I now chat to a reader (and very good friend) on Twitter as Lexie and on Facebook as Me. Through Medicine Unboxed I’m known by both names. I follow people on Twitter on my course who know who I am in real life. I even went into the Uni branch of Waterstones today and asked if I could see the lady who manages their Twitter feed because I wanted to say ‘hi’.
I want to be Me-me online. I want to be able to say to my friends “I have a blog”. I want to be open, honest and, most of all, proud of who I am. But…and we’re back to the Who I Am blogpost.
And now, like I tweeted, people who I know in real life who don’t know about a) my online presence and b) my “complications” are appearing as suggestions on Twitter.
Even in my head I don’t think there was a natural conclusion to this blog. I’ve been through all that with ‘Who I Am’. I suppose part of me wants those lines between on-line and reality to become blurred so I have to be me…Well, have to acknowledge that I’m Lexie as I do prefer Lexie-me to Real-me. Maybe I’m just trying to convince myself that I’m proud of who I am. I am proud of who I am. I am Lexie. Lexie is me.