Saturday, 8 September 2012

I Don't Like It...

#nowplaying Imagine Dragons ~ It's Time

I’ve been in Birmingham in my 3rd year for a week now. A very, very long week. It feels like I’ve been back for months, but at the same time I can’t help but feel that I’ve only just come arrived.

I thought it would be weird coming into a year where I didn’t know anyone, but thankfully it hasn’t been that bad. One of my best friends who resat part of first year is now in my year, and turns out loads of people intercalated so there are plenty of familiar faces. I don’t know anyone in my hospital firm but I’ve had anatomy with most of them over the past week and as long as I stop being a nervous wreck and try to join in, making friends shouldn’t be too hard. I just keep reminding myself that it was awkward with my group at the start of first and second year but after a few weeks it all settled down and we became friends.

Anatomy has been awful. I don’t remember anything. At all. And everyone else seems to remember everything. Consequently this has left me feeling very insecure and stupid.

Actually, I haven’t been enjoying it much. Actually I’ve hated it. I don’t want to be here. I want to be back in Bristol, or anywhere else so long as it isn’t home, or Birmingham, or on a Medical course. My mood has taken a drastic plunge. I know, I know, I should just give it time, try and settle in and it’ll get better. And maybe it will get better. But right now is hard, and I’m not happy. Well, I am now. Last night was the first night I went to bed happy. That was because today was Saturday and Saturday means I don’t have to go into the Medical School.

Placements start on Monday. I am simultaneously hopeful (because it will be completely different to lectures and hopefully I’ll enjoy it) and terrified (I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING!!!!!). Also worried (I don’t know my group. What happens if they don’t like me???). Excited (I get to do procedures on real people). Petrified (I REALLY, REALLY DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO ANYTHING. I CAN’T REMEMBER ANYTHING.) Anxious (What if somebody talks to me and I mess my words up and they’re left thinking I’m stupid?).

And lastly, tired. Exhausted. Been waking up at 6:30 every morning. Now that’s not that early. I woke up at that time for high school. But last year I had 6 teaching hours a week. Getting my body back into sync with the medical world has been hard. On Tuesday night I took a sleeping pill, woke up on Wednesday morning unable to get out of bed, told myself I’d go back to sleep and didn’t wake up till 2pm. I didn’t go in, but I did miss Prosection (yay!). On Friday my alarm went off and I actually shouted ‘Nooooooooooooooooooo!’ at it.

So yeah. Mixed feelings, mixed emotions, mixed hopes, mixed everything. Just going to have to see how it goes. Alternatively I could get in my car and drive off like I did Tuesday night. I came back then. This time I’m thinking I could make it to France before anyone realised…. 


  1. Oh man! It's understandable- one of the reasons I didn't intercalate, despite the awesomeness of it, was the inevitable difficulty of getting back into the swing of things. I'm having a slightly similar crisis at the moment in that the long holiday we've just had has been filled with babyness, and suddenly I'm back at medschool and any study feels like a looooong time ago. All I know is nappies, seriously, not even joking. This culminated in several horrific days where I literally messed up in front of the whole class and watched the staff share 'Did she just start medschool' type looks :| Horrible!
    Point being, getting back into things is always sticky. And you've had a year to indulge in something totally different, so you'll be drawing comparisons constantly.
    Drive all over the shop if you have to, just remember it's about acclimatising. This stuff'll come back to you, slowly and clunkily :P
    And I can tell you from experience, starting clinical stuff will totally be worth it for the wealth of weeeird patient anecdotes you come away with :P And you actually feel like you make a bit of a difference, which is way cooler than being stuck in teaching!
    Good luck man. And remember, most med students feel insecure and stupid, it's the nature of being around naturally genius people all the time :P
    *From the fellow exhausted stupid one*
    Essay over, woo!

    1. I love your essay replies :D Thanks hun. I'm sure it'll get better. I think it doesn't help that I'm still debating whether medicine is the right career for me anyway, but like you said, hopefully clinicals will make me feel useful.
      Really hope you can get back into the swing of things soon :)

  2. I think being in anything Medical brings some anxiety at some point! The first time I went to draw blood on a real person, I was shaking! And it probably didn't feel so good to them!! But it got better! ;)

    1. Thanks Shannon :) Just hoping it does get better

  3. I know the fear from going back after an intercalated too. It happens every year with clinicals though- I've just started my final year and almost freaked out on the first day when I was given an ABG to do!
    I really hope you enjoy it- the pre-clinical and clinical years are totally different, and being on placements makes you realise just what all the studying is for. Good luck!

    1. Hi Anonymous :) I keep telling myself that next week will be totally different from this week, and hopefully it will be. Thank you for the luck though, definitely going to need it!

  4. I hope you get into the work soon - I found it really hard to get back into clinical medicine after I intercalated as well, and it does take a bit of time. I hope you find your feet soon!

  5. I can't really add anything to what's already been said, especially since I haven't the foggiest what an intercalated medical thingamajig feels like, but I would just chime in with the above and say give it time. It's really difficult not to automatically react, I know, but I have faith that things will fall into place because you have worked so hard for them and because you deserve it.

    Keep your chin up Sarah :).

    1. Oh, missed you Rosie :DDD Thanks hun. I'm sure it'll be fine, but like everyone said, just have to give it time *hugs back* Wish I had your faith in me though :p


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