Sunday, 27 May 2012


I keep saying on Twitter that the season finales of all my favourite American TV shows are trying to kill me with their emotional roller-coasters and emotion-bombs. And that’s true. But so far I haven’t cried. And come to think of it, I haven’t cried in a while. A few tears, yes. At shows and real life stuff. And I’ve had the shaky/rocking hyperventilating thing you get when you cry. But I haven’t had proper tears in a long, long time.

When people tell me I’m going to cry at a movie or TV show, the chances are that I won’t. Because I spend the entire movie/episode thinking ‘Is this where I’m meant to cry? Is this where I’m meant to cry?’ The Notebook is a perfect case-in point. I only watched it two years ago, in my first year of uni, after everyone I’d met was shocked that I hadn’t seen it and told me earnestly that I would cry all the way through it, especially at the end, because it was such a tear-jerker. But I didn’t. Because for the entire movie I was wondering if this was the scene that would turn on the waterworks. And, frankly, cause it’s not that emotional a movie, or that good a movie. But recently it hasn’t been *that*, whatever that is, that has stopped me from crying.

I get emotionally attached to a lot of things. Books, movies, characters from TV. Mugs, USB sticks. And I promise an in-death blog post about that after my exams (I’m avoiding watching Grey’s anatomy until then!) And I do get very emotional about things. And it hurts, right here *points to heart* My stomach does this things where it spasms and seizes up, and it feels like there’s a black hole inside me sucking everything away. And I’ve felt like that about so many things recently. TV shows – Glee, Vampire Diaries – and situations in my life – dissertation panic, not being able to help my brother, life. A year ago I would be in the foetal position soaking the pillow. But this year, or at least in the last few months...nothing. It feels like the tears are there, building up inside of me. But there’s something stopping them from coming out.

So much has worked out this year, with my depression and me personally. I’m writing again, which is something I stopped doing when I got really ill, although I haven’t tried to make any progress with anything fiction yet, just sticking to poetry. And I’m reading again, although not as much as I used to. The crying is something which has seemed to go the other way.

I know it’s stupid, getting worked up and blogging about not being able to cry. But for a girl who cries regularly, or at least used to cry regularly, this build up of emotion and tears inside of me is starting to freak me out. And it’s not like last time, when the damn was up for a reason, and I was making the effort to hold everything in. Maybe this time I’m trying too hard to let everything out.

So for now I will try and be content with the black hole of emotion inside of me when I get sad at the TV or at real life. I wonder what it will take to crack the damn this time? And I just hope it doesn’t have the same effect as last time.



Now Playing ~ Big Girls Don't Cry ~ Glee Cast Version


  1. This will sound really weird but I found this post increeeeeeeeeeedibly interesting BECAUSE I went through a very similar thing a few years ago. It suddenly dawned on me that I hadn't cried in a very long time, and that I kind of couldn't cry now, or the closest I came to crying was having very teary eyes but due to some inversion of gravity they WOULD NOT FALL. It was incredibly frustrating. And then one day, in a country very far away, someone shouted at me for something completely unrelated and I just burst out crying, and I cried for like HOURS. And I was crying about all sorts of things and it took me a verrrrrrry long time (about 2 years) to untangle it all and understand. And I did actually remember the point at which I chose not to cry. Well, not exactly 'not to cry' but to shut myself off to a certain situation which was usually the cause of my lacrimosity. So, I guess what I'm saying there anything like that which has happened to you recently? Where you shut yourself off to something because it hurt too much to feel anymore?

    I used to get really emotionally attached to random things too (or maybe not that random?). But then I think I figured out that I was latching on too much to those inanimate things because people were way too complicated and scary to get involved with. I'm a great believer in things happening when they're supposed to, and everything that had been building up and drawing me more and more into myself came to a head a while ago and it was like everything was just set in place for me to unload, in this perfect little moment, to the perfect person, and that's exactly what I'd been waiting for the whole time.

    What helped me a lot was going some place I felt both completely free and yet completely in control. Usually somewhere high, like the top floor of a carpark near where I live, or to the ocean. I didn't premeditate this comment and maybe I should have because it's incredibly rambly, but I think maybe what you need is a holiday. A break from life, to go, dare I say it, 'find yourself'. I prefer calling it getting back to basics, but whatever. Sometimes all the vagaries of life are so distracting they're like a stopper.

    I wouldn't worry too much about it though (easier said than done, I know!). The tears will come when they're supposed to :).

    Also, don't feel weird for not crying at The Notebook. Everyone said I'd need a box of Kleenex too and at the end I was like yeah, to wipe all this freaking treacly crap off me! That film is truly vapid. I'm convinced people who go around championing it have been paid off by the filmmakers.

    Hope you feel better soon! Keep writing, it's probably the best self-exploringy thing you can do :)! *hugs*

    1. Hi Rosie :) There hasn't been anything like that this time. Last time, a few years before I got ill, I distinctly remember raising the gates and refusing to let anything out. But not this time. But like you said, I'll try not to worry too much about it. It'll happen when it happens.
      WORST FILM EVER! I don't like Sparks that much. I read one of his books, the one with the sick girl, and it was awful. Utter drivle.
      I do need a holiday :) Not possible at the moment though. More for the break than anything else. I "found myself" earlier this year. I know it sounds stupidly corny but I suddenly realised who I was and what I believed in and realised that I was happy with that. And I need to find a safe place too, just haven't yet. And it's kinda hard when you don't really belong in one place...
      Thank you Rosie, so much, for everything *hugs back*

  2. There is nothing wrong with one having a good sob. I cry at films, mainly if they remind me of family as I live away from them. sob sob. People who frustrate me make me want to cry, but that may be anger. As you will know crying releases hormones which app. keep depression away BUT that doesnt mean crying is a cure. Try not to worry and think about it too much. Let it be. x

    1. Hi Aunty Em :) I didn't know about the crying/hormone/depression thing. It's funny cause I used to cry more when/before I was ill, not now that I'm getting better. But you're right, I'll try not to worry. It'll happen when it happens x

  3. What can I say? This is definitely not stupid.
    I know so much of what you are going through, because I am so same! No tears or words left. No strength to dig into thoughts, into my own mind and heart in search of emotions and therefore also fearing the moment (and the reason!) that will burst the "numb" bubble in which I am secured, "subconsciously" ignoring the impact life has on me. Do I make sense?

    Stay strong!

    1. You make sense :) I understand completely cause that's exactly how I feel. *big hugs* S x


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