Tuesday, 24 April 2012

Who I Am...

I want to make a difference. I don’t want to be ashamed of what I am, or who I am, my religion, race, nationality or any illness that I’ve got. And I’m not. I used to be. And at times, in public, I’m still reluctant to admit that I have depression. But there will always be crap in the world, there will always be people who will look for the cracks in your life so they can stick in their sharp nails and tear you a new one. That isn’t going to change. And that crack could be a failed exam, or a divorce, or an illness. It doesn’t matter; if those bullies are that way inclined then it won’t matter if they find out if you once got a parking ticket or you’re on anti-depressants.

I posted my poem the other day. And I am so, so proud of it. And I put my name to it. And I posted it on this blog because this blog is me, sometimes more me then the way I act around real people. Same goes for twitter as well. And I have been thinking about dropping the anonymity. To be honest, if you look at my profile it wouldn’t be too hard to find out my real name. I was scared before, because of the depression. Because of the stigma. But that stigma isn’t going to go unless people raise awareness of depression, talk openly about depression, make people aware that it’s just like getting cancer – you can’t help it, you can’t fight it, you can’t just snap out of it and it is nothing, NOTHING, to be ashamed off. And unless people like me talk out about it then the stigma will continue and the next generation of mental health victims are going to suffer the same way that I have.

I was going to come straight out and just deal with the consequences.

What I didn’t consider was how certain members of my family wouldn’t be able to deal with them.

It’s the age old dilemma – protecting those close to you, those who have always protected you and raised you, and doing what you think is right to make a difference. I wrote the following line in a story the other day – sometimes you have to choose between what is easy and what is right. And I want to chose what I think is right. But...I don’t want to hurt those who love me, and who I love. Those I would die for.

I might be strong enough, but they might not be. It might not even be a question of strength, but it is still an issue.

And I don’t have the answer anymore.




  1. I think whether you want to remain anonymous must be difficult not only considering what you've been through and dealing with but as you said, whether it can affect those around you.
    When you're more open I guess I agree with others in that it puts a more human face on whatever is being said. But your blog and topics of discussion are important enough that it doesn't necessarily matter =)
    Hope you do eventually get the answers you deserve.

    Emad =)

  2. This is a hard situation. You love your family and if they want that aspect of your life to stay private, that's ok. They should always come first. But also you can ask yourself why can't they understand your point of view, your wish to share your story and experience with the world, with those who could learn from it.
    I think only you can have full view on the situation, but at the end of the day, you have to decide what is more important. What are the consequences, what are you losing or gaining by being anonymous. As you said, if someone would try it wouldn't be too difficult to find who you "really" are ;-) and your story is always equally real and important. What I think is also amazing is that you are ready to defend mental illness "out there", in the hospital, in the every day life. That makes a difference and that's a real testimony, that's what is raising awareness for next generations.
    You are right, it's not a question of strength, you are strong enough to deal with both options and that's a victory all in itself no matter what you choose to do.


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