Sunday, 6 February 2011

Coming out...

So I’m writing this on Microsoft Word on the fourth of February. I’m not entirely sure if I’m going to post it or not. A month or so ago, after being filmed by a house-mate eating fish fingers and custard, I was all for coming out and telling you who I was, where I was from, when I was born. Everything. It was slightly self-centred but I thought that if people knew who I was, word would get round and more people would read what I have to say.
But last term something happened. And I haven’t really told you. I’ve eluded to it and, for those of you who follow my twitter feed, I’ve posted some little titbits that relate to it. But I haven’t actually said it out loud. Yet if I told you my name I wouldn’t tell you my secret. Because I don’t want people to know. A few people, yes. Select people. Those close to me, those who care about me. But not everyone. Because it’s like cancer, or any other chronic or stigmatising illness. People treat you differently. They try not to but they look at you funny. They tiptoe around you. They’re careful about what they say, or don’t say, or how they act. Sometimes that’s great, especially because they make it easier to get better. But you become associated with your illness. You become the illness. It’s like we get taught at medical school – are you a diabetic or a person with diabetes? How much do you want to be defined by your health?
I’m going through stages. Sometimes I want to shout it to the world because then people will be nicer, or stop being so whiney and I’ll find it easier to get well. But other times, most of the time, I want it to be the other way round. The world can’t constantly change to fit around you. You have to fit into the world. You can’t send out a memo before you go anywhere warning or informing people that you have breast cancer or bipolar disorder. If you hold onto the disease and use it to mould yourself then you won’t get better. Perhaps. It works both ways. Obviously you have to accept that you’re ill. But you also need to acknowledge that you can get better.
I’m going round in circles.
But this blog was set up so I would have somewhere to vent. So I could talk about what was wrong. So I could rant. So I could tell all the dirty little secrets that I otherwise carry around with me. Or something to that extent. And I want to tell you. I want advice, and help, and, dare I say it, sympathy. I want someone, somewhere to know, so I can be myself sometimes. So I can scream my upset to the world instead of smiling, putting on a brave face and answering “I’m fine” whilst people complain about their bad backs or other things. Other people’s problems are important, and I don’t want to seem callous and mean but at the moment the fact that I’m comforting other people when I want to be comforted is driving me crazy. It’s selfish, I know. But maybe I need this. Maybe the reason I feel this way is because I’ve been too strong for too long.

On the 19th November 2010 I was diagnosed with clinical depression. On the 20th November I started taking anti-depressants. I’m getting there. It’s a steep cliff but I’m getting there. To paraphrase Doctor Who and Steven Moffart – “I’m half-way out of the dark”. Hopefully. Inshallah.

There. I shouted it to the world.


  1. Hello.
    So...I won't say anything, so as to avoid being patronising or anything similar.
    I just hope the "half-way out of darkness" turns into "out of darkness" sooner rather than later dear.

  2. Hello :)
    Don't worry, I won't break lol. And you could never be patronising. And I'm getting there. Still the same old me really.
    But thanks.

  3. Hmm, it makes sense, wanting to blog it or tell someone- sometimes it helps just to know that somebody's aware of what's going on in your head, and it can be a lot easier to tell strangers than face up to people you know. I'm glad you ended up posting it rather than typing all that out, then bottling it up. And totally not a crime to want some sympathy, or even *uses word strictly reserved for medical school platitudes* empathy, lol.
    Well I hope things keep looking up for you- no big personality transplants I suppose, but even learning how to deal with bad days can make a huge difference. So all the best etc :)

  4. Hiya!
    I realise I could have replied to your comment on my own blog, but this is more fun!
    I probably should have explained why I decided to follow your blog, since I'm a tooootal stranger, so I'll do that now! I just thought it was great how you could be so open about your depression, because, I know (roughly speaking) how it feels, I am going through the same thing - minus the antidepressants. I sort of delude myself half the time that I don't need them! And when you said that the principle reason you got a blog was in order to vent and deal with those feelings a little better I was literally at my computer going ME TOO!!! I've found that talking to people about it, and particularly people who have gone through or are going through the same thing is increeeedibly reassuring, so I just thought if you ever needed any moral support, you know... :D! Anyway, I hope you don't think that's too weird!

    And, thanks for following my blog in return LOL, that's lovely :)! And and, YES, Gilmore Girls is the best series ever :D!

    Anyway, hope you're good etc! Looking forward to reading more of your blog :D!

  5. Hiya Rosie :)
    Thanks for following my blog :) You really don't have to explain - I'm happy with anyone following me as long as they're not going to slag me off - but it's nice (you know what I mean) knowing that I can "help" in someway. And the same goes for you - if you ever need moral support or someone to talk too I'm here :)It's not too weird, it's actually kinda nice


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